Getting through the holidays after a loved one has died never is easy, but area grief counselors and those who have experienced loss have some advice to make the holidays more bearable.

"It's going to be hard. Don't try to be strong. Let your emotions be known. Be willing to cry. It's better to do that than not," said Dave Wollman, who leads Griefshare, a support group at St. Stephen's Episcopal Church in Sewickley with his wife, Ann.

The couple's adopted daughter, Naomi, died in 1990.

Carl Baughman, executive director and therapist at Samaritan Counseling Center, said people should be prepared to experience grief all over again when the memories start to flood them this time of year.

Christmas songs or even something like the smell of bread baking, can trigger grief for years after a loved one's death.

No one ever really gets over grieving a loved one. However, each time they experience a situation that brings grief to the forefront, it gets a little easier to deal with, Baughman said.

Don't be alone

Although everyone deals with grief differently, those who are grieving never should isolate themselves. Counselors suggest being with family and friends as much as possible, joining a support group, or if emotions are too intense or family isn't around, talking to a pastor or counselor.

Marcia Martin, wife of Peter Martin for 27 years, died two years ago. A year later, her husband, of Bradford Woods, joined GriefShare.

Martin, whose son and daughter are away at college, said the group helps him by connecting him with others "in the same boat" who have or are experiencing the same emotions he is.

Anita Colarossi, of Crescent Township, who leads Together Social Group, agreed being with others who know what it's like is helpful.

The group, which began in 1988 with the Rev. Bruce Bryce, formerly met at Heritage Valley Sewickley hospital then in various Sewickley churches, now meets at Eat'n Park in Edgeworth the third Thursday of every month and has various outings and social gatherings.

"The men help the women with household stuff and cars, and the women help the men with kitchen stuff. We all help each other. It gives us something to look forward to at least once a month and sometimes in between," she said.

Colarossi said anyone is welcome to join and "talk their heart out if they want to.

"We all did that too, and we can offer advice on different problems with children and the house. One woman didn't know how to write out checks, so we taught her how to take care of things on her own."

Do something new

Baughman also suggested avoiding trying to make Christmas exactly the way it had been when the loved one was alive. Making little changes, such as putting the Christmas tree in a different place or having different seating arrangements, are good ideas, he said.

"It's a different Christmas now. Not everything has to change, but you should have a balance between old and new."

Martin said he and his children spent the holidays in Mexico last year and swam in the ocean on Christmas day.

"If you can get away, I would advise it. It's a distraction," he said.

Helen Erice of Aliquippa and member of St. Stephen's Church and GriefShare, who lost her husband last March, visited her son and his family in Indianapolis last Christmas.

"Doing anything out of the ordinary is helpful," she said.

Help others

For Martin, another key to handling grief is keeping busy.

"I suggest getting involved in as many things as you can, but not to the point where you can't catch your breath. You still have to grieve. You can't just push it aside, but some distractions are good."

A volunteer work at St. Stephen's, Martin said giving to others has helped him.

"Anything you can do for someone else will heal you. Before, I was pretty much like everyone else, taking care of No. 1, but God got my attention. There's more to life than just you."

Be thankful

Erice said remembering to be thankful around the holidays helped her handle her grief after her husband died in March last year.

"Just thanking God for all the good years and good times has given me peace and contentment," she said.

"How can I grumble about losing my husband after 58 years when there are young men out there in the war who are killed with a wife at home and a baby they've never seen?"

Where to go

• Phil Jamison Jr., Samaritan Counseling Center bereavement therapist, conducts periodic six-week support groups at Sharon Presbyterian Church in Moon and Northmont Presbyterian Church in Wexford. Those who are grieving also can scheduled one on one sessions. For more information, call the Samaritan Counseling Center, 414 Grant St., at 412-741-7430.

• GriefShare sessions at St. Stephen's Episcopal Church, 405 Frederick Ave., are held once a month with four week sessions in September and at times, in the spring. For more information, call Debby Frantti, director of pastoral care, at 412-741-1790. To find other GriefShare locations and learn more about the program, visit www.griefshare.com.

• A grief support group is held at St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church, 801 Beaver St., Sewickley, through Heritage Valley Sewickley hospital. Call 412-749-7054 or 724-728-7000, ext. 1024.

• Contact the Good Grief Center for Bereavement Support, 2717 Murray Ave., Pittsburgh, at 412-224-4700 or toll free at 888-474-3388; e-mail, support@goodgriefcenter.com or visit www.goodgriefcenter.com. The center provides support groups and individual counseling and has a list of support groups throughout western Pennsylvania.

• Contact the Rev. Lee Bittner, Heritage Valley Sewickley hospital chaplain, who provides one-on-one counseling and can make referrals to other area support groups, at 412-749-7054 or 724-728-7000.

• Contact Anita Colarossi to join her group, Together Social Group, which meets at Eat'n Park on Ohio River Boulevard the third Thursday of each month, at 724-457-7957.

How to help someone who's experienced loss

For many people, the holidays are filled with sadness and grief, especially if they've recently lost a loved one.

But, their family and friends can help, say local counselors and those who have experienced it.

Providing comfort to those who are having a hard time around the holidays isn't difficult, said Peter Martin whose wife, Marcia, died two years ago.

"You don't need to offer any words of wisdom. You don't have to say anything. Just be there."

Telling a person they should be over it by now, saying you know how they feel when you have never experienced a loss or avoiding the subject are the least helpful, he said.

Martin and Carl Baughman, executive director and therapist at Samaritan Counseling Center, agreed there is no timeline for grieving, and saying someone should be over their grief "by now" makes the person feel guilty, weak or think there is something wrong with them.

The Rev. Lee Bittner, Heritage Valley Sewickley hospital chaplain, said those who are grieving often also feel guilty during the holidays because they believe their sadness is ruining Christmas for the children.

"Not showing your emotions can impede healing. Friends should try not to feel uncomfortable with someone's grief. They should try to understand, listen and bear with the person. The kids will be fine. Grandma or grandpa or mom or dad should be allowed to have their time of quiet and reflection," he said.

Baughman agreed and added that friends and family should not be afraid to talk about the loved one who has died.

"It's good to remember and acknowledge they were a meaningful member of the family or a good friend," he said.